BABYPHOBIA

Well having had the [mis]fortune of being stuck with two kids, in a family that needs a babysitter desperately; I have no other course of action than to claim that I suffer from a chronic case of Babyphobia.

I used to think that I loved kids.. you know I was the type who used to adore babies, cute chubby creatures who went goo goo and gaa gaa.. but then I found out that appearances are quite deceptive. Babies are cute....... from a safe distance.. cos then you are not within the hitting distance.. cos then you can’t get wet if they decide to offload.. and most importantly you can’t smell them... So in 2006-7 when I came to know that we were going to be blessed with two lil ones in the family. I was quite ecstatic... see I used the word “blessed”.. that tells you how naïve I was.. Nothing could describe the horror that followed..

To begin with.. and to be honest.. both of then looked cute enough.. Shivanshi was the first one.. chubby and cute.. and Rachit came two months later.... looking and bawling like a monkey.. (They are not twins people.. though the title “evil twins” suits them quite well). Anyway to keep on the story.. well things were quite well as they slept most of the time.. infact all the time. But then my dreamy world of babies started shattering.. the constant wailing, the late nights and early morning milk bottles that I had to warm.. not to mention the constant changing of nappies and diapers.. ufffffffffffffffff.... that was gross.. I even puked one time and felt like fainting while cleaning shit..

Coming to the present day...... 2009. April.

A scene set in Delhi 5:- A harassed looking girl running after two toddlers who are engaged in a fight, trying to tear each others’ hair.. all the while kicking each other and shouting and crying at the highest possible decibel level.. The girl keeps saying.. “No Rachit”.. “No Shivanshi”... “behave you two”.... Finally she yanks them off each other.. Both the kids have messed up hair.. scratches from the fight.. red faces.. and they are wailing at the top of their voices.. Stifling the urge to slap them, she drags them to a house where the drawing room sofa is littered with toys, drawing books, crayons, pencils, aero planes, packets of chips and biscuits. Asking them both to stand in a corner she tries to clear a space for both of them to sit. The kids stand in a corner, trying to look sheepish.. they know they are in the danger of being thrown out of the house any moment. And they do this only for a moment.. and then get embroiled in an argument abut whether Hanuman ji’s nappy needs changing or not.. (Hanuman the soft toy that is!!). The girl snatches the harassed looking hanuman from them and charges towards them with the intention to give them a well deserved whack. Instead the poor thing slips on a toy thrown on the floor and falls down.. This occurrence delights Rachit and Shivanshi who think that their masi/ bua is playing a game.. they jump on her kicking and screaming with delight.. 22 kgs of combined weight causes the girl to faint.....

[CURTAIN]

P.S. And just in case you thought this was a one off thing.. you cannot be more wrong.. this is a daily scenario.. much to my regret..

This is not a blog entry.. take this as my suicide note .. just in case one day things go overboard.. :P